Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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