sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
no you cant smoke seaweed
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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