can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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