I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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