I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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