It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
