I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Sober January is a disaster.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
