The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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