I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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