My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
