just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
