My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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