After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
it hurts more in the daytime
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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