Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
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