A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
