You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
