my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
