Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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