at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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