my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
