Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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