Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
