and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
me + whiskey = a bad person
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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