this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
