Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
