I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
