If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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