dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
