i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
