Sry I called you an 8
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
