Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
