i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
