Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
