I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
