my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
