Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
