3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Are we in a gay sports bar?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
