I just pynch a tree in the face
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
