so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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