I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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