I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
