Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
