your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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