are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
