the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
