Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
