i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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