i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
