My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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