Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
