im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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