I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
i think my cat just said my name.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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