end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I deserve this hangover.
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